Trials

My friend lost his wife yesterday.  They have a four year old, a two year old and a four day old.  It was totally sudden.  I am just shocked and heartbroken for him and his family.  All of us in the program are.  It has reminded me of how fragile life really is.  I look at my list of things that must be accomplished today and they all suddenly seem so inconsequential and frivolous.  I'm reminded of what really matters and how if the only thing I get to have is my family forever then I won't need anything else.  A friend commented last night that we need to remember that when we left the home of a loving Heavenly Parent to come to earth, the same emotions of loss were probably felt as we feel when we lose someone now to go back there.  At least I know that she was received with joy by people who love her and are so glad she is there.  This is the temporary existence.  As my sister always reminds us, life is so short! I was driving to the temple a few days ago just marveling at the fact that about 1/3 of my life is already over.  I have already gotten through a THIRD of the time I have allotted for me to make a difference for good on the earth.  It was a cool reality check.  How am I doing?  Am I using my daily time to its highest and best use?
Another thought I had is how much many of my dear friends have had to endure these past two years.  We've seen many trials.  I've held hands with those suffering from miscarriages, threats of divorce, deaths of loved ones, frustration with marital status, and a myriad of other life changing trials.  I feel like during the past two years I have regularly cried with and over friends but not really over anything personal.  I've wondered "How is it that my friends have to face such trials while I am simply going along happy as a clam?"  but then I remember that trials have different times and seasons.  Six years ago I faced my own harrowing trial and sometimes when I am leaving the temple I burst into tears just remembering it.  It is about times and seasons.  If I could just tell my friends how utterly spent and devastated I was six years ago and how utterly joyful and peaceful I am now, maybe it could lend some hope for the future.  These trials are here to help us grow closer to our Maker.  If we cling to Him during these times, the blessing of future happiness for us cannot be denied.

The LGN Diet

There is nothing like the allure/threat of Duck Beach to make me finally throw away any sweets in this house.  I am sick of having this baby fat and I am finally ready to do something about it! I joined fabulous Weight Wars where a bunch of girls get together and come up with roller derby names and then compete to see who can lose the most percentage before Duck.  I am in last place but at least I'm starting to lose some weight! I am so excited to get back into all of my cute summer clothes and most importantly- don a bathing suit at Duck.  I still haven't worked cardio into my schedule yet.  I keep trying to get over to my parents to run on the treadmill but something seems to come up every day! Any advice?

27 Days Left!!

Nancy

Lance's Birth Story. April 22, 2011

Hello Friends,

Somehow none of you seemed to get the email we sent from the hospital over the weekend. I'm sure you can blame us and our apparent incompetence in pressing the send button to our perpetual state of sleep deprivation! Anyway, here are a few details and pics regarding our n

ew addition to the family. :)

I turned in my last final (Global Mgmt) on Thursday the 21st at 3:15 PM. That night I got a massage and went out for some spicy Shobu Shobu. I thought "hey, I'm already five days past my due date, why not live a little?" That night at about 1:20 AM I woke up to some hard contractions. I was trying to time them but it was really hard. I woke Scottie up when I started to feel nauseous, right around 1:50. We started driving and by that point I was thinking "Why did I choose American Fork Hospital?? My epidural is so far away!" The whole car ride felt like one long contraction. We finally arrived, though, and Scottie said "I'm going to get you a wheelchair" and I thought to myself "No, I can walk. Wait, can I walk? Oh this hurts!!!" and by then he was back. We got to the second floor where my midwives were waiting and the elevator opened and I said "Hello. I need an epidural". They said "Ok but lets check you first". They put me on the bed where I asked for one again and they said no and told me to push. Scottie says that I then said "Ok I'll push but then can I get an epidural?" :) We arrived at the hospital at 2:25 AM and I had Lance at 2:38 AM. Naturally!

His full name is Lawrence Sky Antonelli Waterbury and he was 8 lbs 0 oz and 19 inches long at birth. He is amazing and we are totally in love. :) Each day the eating thing gets a little better. Its been a pretty busy week all around. We got a job this week as the Community Aides in our campus quad and then Scottie got called to be in the ward Bishopric. That means that he helps out the leader of our congregation each week now. So its a little bit overwhelming but we are so grateful that we have each other. Good luck to each of you as we begin this summer. We wil

l miss you all, except for Keeler, Ammon and Bad Ash. We want to hang out with you three as soon as we start telling the days apart again.

Here are some pics.

Love

Nancy and Scottie

James Allen's As A Man Thinketh... and Real Estate.

This book was first written in 1903 and is considered to be one of the pioneering works in the self help arena. It is philosophical in nature but I thought I would have some fun with it and illuminate its numerous applications to the real estate world. It was divided into many chapters, some of which were more relevant than others. Chapters that I gleaned the most from were entitled Effect of Thought on Circumstances and Thought and Purpose. In The Effect of Thought on Circumstances, James Allen proposes that one actually has control over her circumstances by exercising control of her thoughts. He promotes a clear illustration of this theory with the following example:

Here is a man who is wretchedly poor. He is extremely anxious that his surroundings and home comforts should be improved, yet all the time he shirks his work, and considers he is justified in trying to deceive his employer on the ground of the insufficiency of his wages. Such a man does not understand the simplest rudiments of those principles which are the basis of true prosperity, and is not only totally unfitted to rise out of his wretchedness, but is actually attracting to himself a still deeper wretchedness by dwelling in, and acting out, indolent, deceptive, and unmanly thoughts.

And then he illuminates the opposite with:

A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And as he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of discovering the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.

In the chapter Thought and Purpose, Allen focuses on persuading the reader that it is not enough to simply guard one’s thoughts. A person must also channel and focus her thoughts if she intends to one day become successful. In the competitive world of real estate, a certain strength is required. This can be achieved through focused conditioning and self-control within the realm of thought. As these two quotes extol:

Until thought is linked with purpose there is no intelligent accomplishment…Aimlessness is a vice, and such drifting must not continue for him who would steer clear of catastrophe and destruction.

To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.

For one whose favorite books are Atlas Shrugged, The Big Short, and Smart Women Finish Rich, this book represented a departure from my usual interests. It was difficult to change gears and explore a philosophical book and I tended to spend a large quantity of time simply pondering each statement. As I did so, though, I was able to recognize truth that could not only be applied to attaining success within the real estate environment, but to making strides in all worthy occupational as well as social and spiritual goals as well.

Women's Lacrosse

This past week I went looking for the BYU Women's lacrosse schedule for the spring season. I searched for a half hour and couldn't find it anywhere! I finally Facebooked a girl I've never met who was kind enough to email me the schedule. I was glad to have gotten it resolved (and I've posted it below), but it raises some concerns. Why does lacrosse have to be a club sport? I am not an expert, but some of the drawbacks to being a club sport seem to be 1) Title 9 Restrictions don't seem to apply (we keep an updated website for men's lacrosse but nothing for women!) 2) They don't have the BYU muscle to be able to change tournament schedules to avoid Sunday play, and 3) They charge All Sports Pass holders to watch their games, thereby reducing an already small crowd. 4) The players have to come up with a lot for their own fees, 5) the scholarships are comparatively few and far between, I could just go on and on. It seems silly to me that lacrosse, which is huge in the East and getting bigger and bigger out here each year, would still be treated like such a second class sport. If you've never seen a lacrosse game, I encourage you to make the time to go before we graduate. Or even after. They will be playing on April 21st! Here is the 2012 BYU women's lacrosse schedule. You'll have no trouble finding the men's schedule elsewhere.

Friday March 9th 5:00 pm BYU vs Westminster @ Westminster

Saturday March 24th 10:45am BYU vs Utah State @ Westminster

Saturday March 24th 4:00 pm BYU vs UNLV @ Utah

Friday March 30th 3:00pm BYU vs Arizona @ CU

Friday March 30th 6:00 pm BYU vs Colorado State @ CU

Saturday March 31st 9:30 am BYU vs Colorado @CU

Saturday March 31st 2:00 pm BYU vs Santa Clara @ CU

Thursday April 5th 6:00 pm BYU vs Utah @ Utah

Tuesday April 10th 5:00 pm BYU vs Utah Valley @UVU

Saturday April 21st Tournament @Westminster

Carrie caused the Financial Meltdown

I was once asked "If you could name only one person or group responsible for the recent real estate housing bust, who would you blame?" Of course it was the perfect storm of many parties rationalizing that brought us to where we are, but but if I could only name one person... it would be Carrie Bradshaw. Ever since she became an iconic American symbol back in 1998 the real estate market took off. It ran up unsustainable growth which concerned some frugal Americans but simply excited others to aspire to be just like her. Though Carrie herself was not a homeowner, she spent 94 episodes of television attempting to convince the American public of two myths that distinctly brought about the meltdown. These myths are 1) “the key to happiness is acquisition”, and 2) “one does not have to incur consequences for irresponsible actions”.

First, through all aspects of her life, Carrie attempted to convince us that the key to happiness is acquisition. This is shown through her over $40,000 collection of shoes, her tendency to max out credit cards, and her famous conclusion in A Woman’s Right to Shoes which is that since single women do not have their life choices celebrated ("Hallmark don't make a 'congratulations-you-didn't-marry-the-wrong-guy card'!") it is therefore okay to spend that much on oneself, specifically one's shoes, to make the single girl's walk through life a little more fun. This pervasive sentiment allowed the average boring American who wanted to lead a more glamorous life like Carrie Bradshaw’s to spend considerable amount of time and effort contemplating ways in which to acquire more. Since the 1930’s the American people have been taught that they have “made it” when they become property owners. Because of this definition, coupled with the constant weekly reminder from Carrie that the average person doesn’t own enough and is therefore not good enough, people ran in droves to seek out mortgage lenders who would get them into a house regardless of income, assets, or employment. If people did not heed the siren song of “possessions and wealth will make you happy” sung so beautifully by the past decade of media led by Carrie Bradshaw, they would not have felt the urge so strongly to enter into risky deals that they frankly could not afford.

Second, Carrie spent just as much energy attempting to convince the average American that one does not have to incur the consequences for irresponsible actions. This was seen explicitly in almost every episode but most keenly in her continual smoking habit, her admission of having an abortion (along with Samantha’s four), and her response to her boyfriend’s mother when she caught her smoking marijuana “Yes, the pot is mine and I’m taking it with me!” Throughout all of this Carrie has held next to no regard for consequences and consistently taught us that if one can run from the results of irresponsibility, by all means, run! To equate this back to the turmoil in the real estate market, banks would willingly lend to the poor Americans discussed above because they could immediately foist consequences upon others by

selling the loans through securitization. These mortgage lenders therefore were able to create a situation where they could act without any concern for repercussions, just like Carrie did in her discourses on the merits of birth control. After buying these subprime loans, large investment banks (such as Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley) would turn them into CMOs and then sell them to investors. They blatantly told investors that they were essentially riskless because the odds of the American public all defaulting on their loans at the same time were infinitely small. In the beginning, this was true but as the demand for CMO’s continued to outpace the supply of mortgages in the booming real estate sector the investment banks soon created CDOs which were simply collateralized debt options which included synthetics which were bets on loans that had been previously securitized. This led to a situation where a previous CMO would be cut up according to credit ratings and then a portion of that CMO (often the BBB portion) would get re-cut to a CDO with a whole new set of credit ratings. As this became more prevalent, the chances of mass defaults grew with the threat of a market downturn. Once the market did have a correction, coupled with the rising interest rates, the perfect storm was created. And since all players had systematically shirked responsibility in the past, everyone (including those who deigned not to play) had to pay.

In order to fix this difficult economic scenario and insulate America from repeats of this episode in the future, one major initiative must be in place. The first is a general retrenchment away from Carrie Bradshaw and towards Donna Reed. It helps that Carrie is no longer on the air, though her reruns still haunt us in edited form on less popular channels. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Donna Reed, who can only be viewed on the internet now. Carrie embodied pride. Donna Reed embodied humility. Until we as an American culture place regard for humility more than pride again then these cycles of greed and dishonesty will continue. The American government will try

to impose further regulations and limits on both the American bankers and borrowers but in reality our fundamental outlook on acquisition must change. This return to humility must occur in the investment banking, mortgage loan, and consumer spheres. In order to measure this, one could use the CPI. If the consumer price index (less food and energy) continues to rise, then one can assume that Americans are continuing to try to gain more than they need. If, after the media implement new “return to humility” programming highlighting brotherhood and altruism instead of greed and the CPI stabilizes within three years, we can assume that America has retrenched and sustainable growth is in the future.

Things I learned from my Mother

Dear Mom,

This week I have been thinking about all of the things that you took the time to teach me in my youth. I could share many memories I have of special moments we had together, but right now I will mention just a few to highlight two of your best moments that made me who I am today.

Tenacity

You never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. I remember in third grade how you came to me and told me that it was time for me to learn to ride a bike. I knew that I was the only third grader who didn’t know how, but I was so afraid of my lack of coordination that I didn’t let it bother me. I remember you took me down to Cardinal Hill parking lot every day for a week and we practiced and practiced. I struggled and wanted to quit but you helped me to push on. After four or five days I remember riding and knowing that you had let go of the back and feeling very scared but slightly elated at the same time. Now I think of you every time I ride my bike around town. Because of you I was able to participate in a happy activity while simultaneously losing weight. I used it as a means to commute to work. Here in Provo I often ride to the store or just around the neighborhoods with Scottie enjoying the beautiful nature. I have come to realize that most children are taught to ride a bike by their fathers. I know that you were the one to notice I hadn’t learned and have the patience and tenacity to help me stick with it until I did learn. Thank you so much for that inestimable gift.

Work

I remember in seventh grade I had the opportunity to pull an all-nighter for the first time. I had to create a multipage newspaper for my history class and the project was so daunting that I refused to look at it until the night before. You stayed up with me and we worked and worked. You made me write all of the articles myself, even when Lisa accidentally leaned against the computer turning it off and we had to start again. You kept me on task and when I fell asleep on the big basement pillow at 4 AM you came and woke me up and had me get back to work. I don’t remember what grade I received for that project, but I do remember realizing how important it was to work. Procrastination and rationalization are synonyms for laziness. I have watched you continue to push on through many tasks even when I was ready to quit much earlier. Both you and dad never seemed to put anything off and have strong self-discipline. This is a quality that I still struggle with sometimes but I often remind myself that if you both can make it a habit, so can I. As I work my way through this MBA program, I am so grateful that I have you to look to reminding me that work is something to embrace, not avoid.

As I now stop and ponder what kind of mother I want to be, I am so grateful that I can look to you as a wonderful example.

Love,

Nancy

Hearing from a leader

I recently had the opportunity to observe Cathy Chamberlain, Managing Director for Marketing at Deseret Book. When she spoke at our Women In Management meeting, she proved to be immensely successful in her career as well as in her personal life. When she majored in marketing at BYU, the only majors that were deemed appropriate for women were nursing and elementary education. Still she persisted and ended up working for the George H Bush task force on women voters in the 1990s. She is now in a high position at Deseret Book as well as an adjunct professor of communication at BYU and on the Board of Trustees at Southern Virginia University.

As she spoke to us, I wondered what specific values and attributes did she have that allowed her to get so far. What I found surprised me. She was not a hardcore competitive woman who had essentially clawed her way to the top. Instead, she had decided early on that she would not worry about what those around her thought and that it only mattered what her Heavenly Father thought of her. She never married but she knew that she was doing what she was supposed to do with her life and that brought her continual peace. Even though the title of the speech was “Women in the Workplace”, my big takeaway was that we will have no job that will be more important in our lives than being a mother. Even if we become President of the United States, that job will not be as important as taking care of the children we have in our own homes.

It was interesting because I was expecting to hear from an autocratic leader. One who continually had to break through glass ceilings and prove her worth by unilaterally making decisions that coerced employees into her way of thinking. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find a reformer. This woman didn’t resort to coercion or bullying which is an easy tactic to resort to for the career woman who had to break boundaries. Instead, she stuck to her traditional values while fueling an impressive career. This allowed her to be in a position of influence where she could help our LDS values be heard in Washington DC. This, I believe, is the highest version of a reformer and I was happy to be associated with this leader.

Eavesdropping

The coffee shop had an urban style. It was at once cozy, yet not quite comfortable. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt, sitting alone sipping on a skim milk steamer surrounded by strangers in Chicago’s Boys Town. I was there waiting for my best friend to finish some work online for the day. The coffee shop had the designation of being the only 24 hour shop with free wifi in the northern half of Chicago so my friend visited regularly to study for the CFA. As I was a guest in town, I didn’t want to disturb any of my friend’s regular rituals so I endeavored to entertain myself while waiting. After working on some of my own schoolwork for a while, I wandered over to two nice leather couches. Young professionals with laptops were seated at tables all around me busily working and as I reclined on a couch, I seemed to be the only one looking to relax and pass the time. As I looked for something other than “Out” magazine to read, two middle aged men came into the shop and sat on the only other couch- directly across from me.

Their conversation began benignly enough with introductions and a few pleasantries, but soon one began to relate rather significant details about his personal life to the other. I tried to immerse myself in a magazine to keep from eavesdropping but the temptation to attempt to figure out the nature of their relationship was too strong and I found myself listening intently. Soon they were trading stories about their children to each other, which ruled out my first idea that I was witnessing a blind date. As they discussed their parenting beliefs and styles, I abandoned my first goal of deciphering their relationship and moved on to analyzing their ideas and gleaning what I could use as advice for a new mother.

They discussed how difficult it was to watch their children make mistakes or fail. One was emphatic, though, about his decision to let his child have those experiences. He believed that if his teenage daughter failed now, she would have a more solid footing and understanding of the world and her strengths when it was time for her to go to college. As I pondered this strategy, I thought about my day. Before I met up with my friend, I had spent most of the day at the NSHMBA conference in South Chicago where I had effectually failed. I had spoken to at least thirty companies, each who politely took my resume but none of which offered to interview me. As I trudged up and down each aisle with a smile painted on my face both my feet and my discouragement swelled. So many of my colleagues from BYU had enjoyed successes or at least been tapped for interviews that I felt like I was a complete failure and I had wasted time and money by coming here. I thought to myself “If I had just stayed home I could have tried out a few more recipes on my husband and organized a few more closets this week. That probably would have prepared me more for next summer anyway”.

But as I listened to these ambiguous men, I had an epiphany. Today’s failure wasn’t a complete waste. Though it certainly didn’t feel good emotionally or physically, I actually had accomplished what I had set out to do, which was gain a deeper understanding of the recruiting process for an MBA graduate. As Twyla Tharp stated, “The ritual of asking “What’s in it for me?” might not provide the most open-minded philosophy of life, but it will keep me focused on my goals”. Because my goals are different than those of about 95% of my class, I must continually keep them at the forefront of my mind so I can measure progress according to the right rubric. I learned a number of valuable lessons today (mostly about what not to do) and in so doing feel like I, too, am on a more solid ground for a future job search. Just as these men were discussing, a fear of failure on the part of a parent, an MBA student, or a subsequent professional can have a debilitating effect on one’s ultimate goals and performance. I must be willing to continue to take risks, stretch myself and participate in uncomfortable circumstances in order to continue to learn and grow throughout my life. I know that agency is a divine gift and if I allow fear of failure to debilitate me into not using this gift, then I keep myself from progressing. That helped me to make the decision to continue on this unconventional job search so I can continue to grow now and in the future.

Telling People

I knew it would have to come out sometime or another. So far people have been only on a “need to know” basis. Until recently I felt like that select group of people did not include my Sherpa (the person assigned to mentor my internship search) nor a certain professor. One of the reasons I applied to BYU was so I could specifically work with a professor whom I have long admired for his role in alleviating worldwide poverty. Last summer I attended a symposium to tell him how much I looked forward to working with him. The first week of school he sent my sister an email telling her to have me contact him so that we could get working. Meanwhile I was having regular meetings with my Sherpa and had a list of ten companies I planned to go after for an internship. I was clearly passionate about one and he and I created a game plan to get into that one door. Then came the news that changed my life.

I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. I knew the laws of biology, but I also had a background in statistics and had become adept at playing the odds. Eventually biology prevailed and our family will grow to three during finals week of next year. The news, of course, brought a personal paradigm shift. Suddenly helping the poor in Ghana would have to wait. My dream of working at Southwest didn’t seem as important. This summer will be much different than I had planned, and much different than the majority of the MBA class of 2012. This decision was logical to me when I spoke with my husband at home, but at school it seemed to be more cloudy. I struggled with thoughts like “Maybe I could take a trip in March instead”, “lots of mothers leave their children at six weeks old. I could theoretically complete a traditional internship just like everyone else”, “no one will find out for months. Why should I tell anyone now?” I was stuck in a quandary of not wanting to disappoint my Sherpa and my professor. I started to avoid both of them by not returning emails. I knew this was not the right answer, but it sure was easier! Finally I knew I had to contact both of them. I met with my Sherpa and told him straightforwardly that I was no longer interested in pursuing a traditional internship. He told me that he completely understood my change in situation and that maybe we should focus on the theory and skills of how to secure employment rather than the practical application at this time. Together, we crafted a plan that would allow him to utilize his talents to teach me the “how’s” of the process. I now feel like I am in a comfortable position with him where I no longer feel pressure to do something that will go against my current top priority and I also feel like I am not wasting this valuable opportunity to learn from such a highly accomplished person. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I was able to show leadership skills by exhibiting human frailty and my unwillingness to attempt to “do it all”. My professor and I are still working on a time we can meet which will work for both of us, but at least I am no longer afraid to tell him of my new convictions.

Resistance

I have been thinking about the goals I made right when I was planning my MBA experience before I moved here to Utah. Those goals were relatively simple, and included “work out daily from 11-12 PM”. I arrived two days before orientation and have yet to work out once. I have thought about this failure from time to time as I’ve rushed from one class to a study group meeting and from there to an information session but have consistently combatted the failure with the self-talk that amounts to personal resistance. My strongest argument is “I will let my group down if I exercise between the hours of 8 AM and 5 PM and after 5 PM I am just too tired.”

This is personal resistance but it is based on perceived relational resistance. I actually sat up one night and planned how I would approach the subject of exercising during the 11:00 hour to my group, but the next day I was so overcome with worry regarding their reaction that I never even brought it up. I am severely committed to my group which makes it so any personal goals fall to the side. Every time I reconsidered broaching the subject, personal resistance manifested itself by reminding me of all the things I need to accomplish before I leave for a conference this week. I just do not have the time to drop everything and work out for an hour each day. The task seemed hopeless.

Then I remembered that maybe the framing of the task was the problem! By simply changing my underlying assumption, I might have a chance at success. If my ultimate goal is to infuse my life with energy building rituals, there are a myriad of ways I can accomplish this- I am not solely limited to the traditional working out routine. This week I made it a goal to bring exercise into my already packed schedule by simply doing two things: 1) refusing to use the elevator and 2) quit asking my husband for a ride home from school. As I pursued these two goals this week I found myself trudging up seven flights of stairs on a few occasions as well as trudging up the hill toward home, sometimes at 10:00 PM after long, tiring days. Each time I made it to the top, though, I felt a sense of accomplishment and energy go through me and I knew that I was making a difference for my body.

Tools

I grew up with four sisters and no brothers and I have no memory of us ever owning a hammer. When my sisters or I wanted to put a nail in the wall we would just use our high heeled shoes. I have noticed that the results vary with this method. It worked most of the time growing up with a few broken shoes, but every so often it would have disastrous results because I wasn’t using tools properly. I've been thinking recently about how television, the Internet, and text messaging are all just communication tools.

Well what is a tool? It’s a means to an end. When we use the correct tool to achieve the desired goal we have a better chance at success. When I got married and discovered a toolbox for the first time it literally changed my life. As Scottie introduced me to things such as hammers, epoxy, soddering irons, outlet covers, dollies, and engine hoists I realized that there was a whole world out there of tools designed solely for the purpose of simplifying our lives! The trick is to use the correct tool for the correct job.

Tools are used for jobs. Jobs help us achieve goals. Goals come from our values. One of my strongest values is my family, so Scottie and I decided to sit down and construct goals that help us grow closer to each other and to the Lord as a family. Some that Scottie and I are working on this year is having two spiritual Family Home Evenings per month, and go on 18 solo dates this year. Media has been helpful in achieving both of these goals. Some of our FHEs this year have consisted of watching a Conference Talk on LDS.org and then discussing applications for our family. We often use our mobile phones to find out about free activities going on so that we can attend them for a date activity.

Back to shoe stories- (I’m sure I’m the only one who ever misused shoes before!) A few years ago I was trying to shovel my driveway right after work. It was getting cold too fast though and soon it was a sheet of ice. I started kicking the ice with the heal of my boot to break it up so I could continue clearing it. Well, after so long of this I ended up breaking the integrity of the boot but since they were my favorite pair I continued to wear them until I twisted my ankle one day. Just like my boot, when we misuse media tools the result is often we get hurt. A few months ago Scottie and I went to the movies with a bunch of our single friends. As I watched I became more and more angry at the movie. It seemed to me that it was bundling up every lie that Satan wanted me to believe about dating and packaging it into one neat movie. I was so upset and afterward I wondered “Why didn’t I just walk out?” “Why did I even allow myself to continue to hear the messages that I knew were not true?” The question still haunts me. If I had chosen to walk out, I would have been simply refusing to let this tool

of communication manipulate me. I am here to use the tools. The tools are not here to use me.

Conversely, I know a girl back in my home town in Virginia who was involved in everything. She ran weekly ultimate Frisbee games as well as came to many activities, parties, etc. It was already common knowledge that she refused to watch PG13 movies. She just reasoned that the rating system was slipping and she didn’t need to slip with it. I thought a lot about her. Soon I also noticed something else. She also rarely had time to watch anything because she was so busy. The more I became involved with activities the busier I got as well. It was so enjoyable to be filling our days excersizing or socializing or serving rather than just wasting precious time watching something that is literally an inferior tool of entertainment. Eventually my roommates and I found no need for a television and we got rid of it completely.

My point isn't to say "let's shut out the media", but instead consider how I can best utilize it. One way is to raise my voice with concerned citizens. A few years ago I was hired on as an intern for a think tank in Washington DC. I was surprised to find so many wonderful citizens around the world and across faiths who are as concerned as we are about the disintegration of the family. Most of these organizations are grassroots and rely solely upon donations. Do we know who they are? Are we moving across religious ties to help further the cause of truth anywhere we can find it?

My final thought is on silence. Silence can be a very powerful tool. It can allow us time for mediation and for receiving answers to our prayers. As I begin to navigate the newer media outlets of blogging and Twitter, I am reminding myself to take time every day to welcome the peace that comes with silence as well.

Maria

The worst part was the trunk. As my friend Kyle and I stared at the monstrosity protruding out of it, the lid came crashing down. The object continued to stick out, defiantly proving that it couldn’t be scratched by even falling trunk lids. I turned my face away so Kyle wouldn’t see my tears, moved the monstrosity to the back seat and drove away.

I had bought my car during the height of my independence. I knew I wanted a convertible to take advantage of the beautiful seasons that graced the Washington DC area each year. I researched and then found one on Craigslist for sale by a bartender in the district. I remember I took three different men to come look at it with me before I took the plunge. When I turned it on that first day after taking ownership, the Brooks and Dunn song “Maria” was playing and it immediately became its name. The car has been good to me. It gave me the pickup I needed to regularly navigate DC traffic, had a strong sound system that allowed my 80’s music to compete with any rap I encountered, and had just enough body “character” that it wasn’t a problem to add a few parking scratches here and there. The car had been with me through hookups, break ups, and eventually a full “Just Married” makeover. It had driven around countless peop

le including missionaries, hitchhikers, families, diplomats, and once thirteen drunks at 3 AM (luckily that was only a two mile adventure).

It was leant out to some fellow BYU students to use as transportation from DC to Utah and was inexplicably returned to me with an extra 15,000 miles on it. It mattered little, though, as now it only gets driven on Fridays for a weekly trip to the grocery store and an occasional group meeting. It always had some quirks like the RPM monitor and odometer which both work but won’t display anything except when I’m driving past the hidden NSA building north of DC on I-95. It has aged over the past six years and 70,000 miles though. Since purchase it has had all tires replaced four times, three new batteries, two new belts and a new “the car door is open so I will ding incessantly” sensor. Each month it has more and more issues as Chryslers are not known for being great cars after 100,000 miles. I didn’t care though. I didn’t care that I was becoming good friends with the AutoZone guy in Provo. It wasn’t a big deal that the three major dents (only one created while I was driving) were starting to attract stares. I could even deal with the fact that neither door nor the trunk would stay open on their own anymore. But at that moment at Kyle and Erika’s house, as we tried to force their hand-me-down stroller into my clearly too small trunk, I realized

that I might have encountered the last straw. This baby is going to change my life, and I couldn’t deny it any longer.

It’s not that I’m not excited to become a mother. I am. Baby was, in a sense, planned. But he was planned for a delivery date of April 2012, not April 2011. Even so, we didn’t want to wait very long to start our family since we both want a large one. We are happy to bring the first son in his generation to both sides of the family, but I’m still getting used to the idea. I realize now why God gave us nine months gestations. It is so both the baby and the family and grow into the new plan! On some level, I feel like I am getting gypped of my last year of life. Baby is bringing an ending to our lives as we know it, and frankly, it’s terrifying.

When I graduated from undergrad in 2004, I moved to Washington DC inaugurating the best five years of my life. I had close friends in the LDS singles scene, a great job, and the most wonderful on- again-off-again boyfriend. We dated for four and a half years before we got married and even after we did so, we regularly spent our free time with our single friends. DC was a never ending spigot of interesting activities as well as a fountain of ideas to evaluate and discover. I often said that DC and I were like fitting a square in a square. Throughout it all, my car provided the perfect embodiment of excitement, narcissism, and freedom. Even marriage, which is often viewed as a monumental transition, was navigated easily by us since we had four years to get used to the idea and we didn’t lose our friends in the process.

But a child, a child changes our whole existence.

Each transition starts with an ending, continues with a neutral zone and ends with a beginning. I have literally been working through the stages of grief in relation to this ending for the past five months. I stayed in denial that my life was in transition for a long time. After all, my life hardly changed when we got married. Anger came next, with me walking around singing “Freedom” by George Michael which has always been the theme song to my car and life in DC. It continued into bargaining evidenced by the attempt Scottie and I made to convince his family that we could still accompany them to Ireland- with three week old Baby. That moment with Kyle’s stroller in my trunk was the moment I crossed into depression.

In William Bridges’ Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, he states “The ending was not only real but important to understand and appreciate. Ending involves a symbolic death." I knew that my life as a carefree, convertible owning young adult was officially ending, but I wasn’t sure how to let it end. Regarding the needed change, Bridges goes on to say “Whatever it is, it’s internal. The transition itself begins with letting go of… some way you’ve always been or seen yourself... the inner ending is what initiates the transition." As I pondered these ideas, I found myself slowly moving through the final stage of grief- acceptance- and officially into the neutral zone.

It’s interesting because as a woman, I am used to discussing my feelings in order to bring meaning to them. This has been an odd situation, though. My mother says I will immediately fall in love with Baby when I see him, just like she did. Scottie, who never gets concerned over anything, is happy and thinks everything will be fine. I find myself more than a little bewildered at the range of emotions I feel daily. Bridges states “The first of the neutral zone activities of functions is surrender- one must give in to the emptiness and stop struggling to escape it. That is not easy, although it is made easier by an understanding of why the emptiness is essential. The process of transformation is essentially more of a death and rebirth process than one of mechanical modification. The neutral zone provides access to an angle of vision on life that one can get nowhere else. And it is a succession of such views over a lifetime that produces wisdom.”

This quote I find to be especially difficult for me to embrace. I have trouble disconnecting from the all-encompassing MBA world. It is a reality that is simultaneously consuming and comfortable for me. I continue to choose that to be my reality. Also as a coping mechanism during my navigation of this neutral zone, I am reading various parenting books (and the Wall Street Journal’s Tiger Mom saga) voraciously. My type A personality tells me that if I must endure this part of the transition, the best way is to prepare as much as possible for the new beginning. On one hand, I still believe this to be logical.

I know that after time, I will eventually cross into the new beginnings stage. Of this, Bridges reminds me “Psychologically, the process of return brings us back to ourselves and involves a reintegration of our new identity with elements of our old one. This connection is necessary if we are going to be grounded and not “up in the clouds”. This aspect of the beginning is as natural as the disintegration was back in the termination phase. Inwardly and outwardly, one comes home. As a wonderful Zen saying expresses it, ‘After enlightenment, the laundry’.” I am unsure as to when I will pass into the realm of Beginning. Maybe it will be when Baby arrives, maybe earlier or later. I look forward to that day when I will feel comfortable in my skin as not only a fun LDS Italian MBA student but as a mother as well. I just hope that my car will be able to make the transition with me- with or without the trunk space for a stroller.

In the 1955 book Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh analyzed the current plight of the modern woman. She discussed our new freedom to work outside the home but also mused that because of this, the work/life balance began to sit atop a frail precipice. These musings seem to have foreshadowed our present world. For some women, the work/life balance is so skewed that work has become their very identity.

I recall the days before returning to school when I worked in corporate America. We corporate women would march in our perfectly tailored suits that were created to look like men’s suits. We would speak in low tones that attempt to mimic those of our male counterparts. We were encouraged to show no emotion at work and to compartmentalize our work and home life. In effect, today’s ideal working woman exudes an uncanny resemblance to…a man.

Just in the past ten years I have seen slogans like “Girls can do anything!” turn into mantras like “there is no real difference between men and women.” Because of my search for and study of truth, I know better. I know that gender is part of who we are, that “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

Men and women are different and we should be celebrating these differences instead of shying away from them, even in the workplace. We women should be encouraged to play to our strengths. By nature we are emotional, feelings-driven communicators who excel at nurturing and providing compassionate assistance. These strengths should be admired and sought after in the business world. For example, if each Fortune 500 company valued a “Business Ethics and Altruism” team with an officer that ranked as high as the CFO, the need for legislation in America that fosters honesty and transparency like Sarbanes-Oxley would decrease and the rampant, greed-driven society that we now live in would begin an about face.

Girls should not be brought up to be men, but to be women first. I believe that woman’s first calling is in the home, but she can be a valuable asset to the business world. Women should be the ones who are guiding tomorrow’s companies toward a more benevolent and charitable future.

While there are fundamental differences between the strengths of men and women, we are still equal partners in families, businesses, and society.

This is something I consider while I contemplate my career path. By starting my own organization or by teaching business principles to the rising generation, I can capitalize on my feminine qualities of compassion and tenacity and allow others to know through my example that it is not only acceptable, but it is important for society to embrace the differences between our genders. At the same time I can proclaim the truth that men and women are equal and need to be treated with mutual respect. With so much of the world becoming more and more confused about gender issues, I can stand for truth by using my feminine gifts and talents to add value to future businesses and society as a whole.