Hearing from a leader

I recently had the opportunity to observe Cathy Chamberlain, Managing Director for Marketing at Deseret Book. When she spoke at our Women In Management meeting, she proved to be immensely successful in her career as well as in her personal life. When she majored in marketing at BYU, the only majors that were deemed appropriate for women were nursing and elementary education. Still she persisted and ended up working for the George H Bush task force on women voters in the 1990s. She is now in a high position at Deseret Book as well as an adjunct professor of communication at BYU and on the Board of Trustees at Southern Virginia University.

As she spoke to us, I wondered what specific values and attributes did she have that allowed her to get so far. What I found surprised me. She was not a hardcore competitive woman who had essentially clawed her way to the top. Instead, she had decided early on that she would not worry about what those around her thought and that it only mattered what her Heavenly Father thought of her. She never married but she knew that she was doing what she was supposed to do with her life and that brought her continual peace. Even though the title of the speech was “Women in the Workplace”, my big takeaway was that we will have no job that will be more important in our lives than being a mother. Even if we become President of the United States, that job will not be as important as taking care of the children we have in our own homes.

It was interesting because I was expecting to hear from an autocratic leader. One who continually had to break through glass ceilings and prove her worth by unilaterally making decisions that coerced employees into her way of thinking. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find a reformer. This woman didn’t resort to coercion or bullying which is an easy tactic to resort to for the career woman who had to break boundaries. Instead, she stuck to her traditional values while fueling an impressive career. This allowed her to be in a position of influence where she could help our LDS values be heard in Washington DC. This, I believe, is the highest version of a reformer and I was happy to be associated with this leader.

Eavesdropping

The coffee shop had an urban style. It was at once cozy, yet not quite comfortable. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt, sitting alone sipping on a skim milk steamer surrounded by strangers in Chicago’s Boys Town. I was there waiting for my best friend to finish some work online for the day. The coffee shop had the designation of being the only 24 hour shop with free wifi in the northern half of Chicago so my friend visited regularly to study for the CFA. As I was a guest in town, I didn’t want to disturb any of my friend’s regular rituals so I endeavored to entertain myself while waiting. After working on some of my own schoolwork for a while, I wandered over to two nice leather couches. Young professionals with laptops were seated at tables all around me busily working and as I reclined on a couch, I seemed to be the only one looking to relax and pass the time. As I looked for something other than “Out” magazine to read, two middle aged men came into the shop and sat on the only other couch- directly across from me.

Their conversation began benignly enough with introductions and a few pleasantries, but soon one began to relate rather significant details about his personal life to the other. I tried to immerse myself in a magazine to keep from eavesdropping but the temptation to attempt to figure out the nature of their relationship was too strong and I found myself listening intently. Soon they were trading stories about their children to each other, which ruled out my first idea that I was witnessing a blind date. As they discussed their parenting beliefs and styles, I abandoned my first goal of deciphering their relationship and moved on to analyzing their ideas and gleaning what I could use as advice for a new mother.

They discussed how difficult it was to watch their children make mistakes or fail. One was emphatic, though, about his decision to let his child have those experiences. He believed that if his teenage daughter failed now, she would have a more solid footing and understanding of the world and her strengths when it was time for her to go to college. As I pondered this strategy, I thought about my day. Before I met up with my friend, I had spent most of the day at the NSHMBA conference in South Chicago where I had effectually failed. I had spoken to at least thirty companies, each who politely took my resume but none of which offered to interview me. As I trudged up and down each aisle with a smile painted on my face both my feet and my discouragement swelled. So many of my colleagues from BYU had enjoyed successes or at least been tapped for interviews that I felt like I was a complete failure and I had wasted time and money by coming here. I thought to myself “If I had just stayed home I could have tried out a few more recipes on my husband and organized a few more closets this week. That probably would have prepared me more for next summer anyway”.

But as I listened to these ambiguous men, I had an epiphany. Today’s failure wasn’t a complete waste. Though it certainly didn’t feel good emotionally or physically, I actually had accomplished what I had set out to do, which was gain a deeper understanding of the recruiting process for an MBA graduate. As Twyla Tharp stated, “The ritual of asking “What’s in it for me?” might not provide the most open-minded philosophy of life, but it will keep me focused on my goals”. Because my goals are different than those of about 95% of my class, I must continually keep them at the forefront of my mind so I can measure progress according to the right rubric. I learned a number of valuable lessons today (mostly about what not to do) and in so doing feel like I, too, am on a more solid ground for a future job search. Just as these men were discussing, a fear of failure on the part of a parent, an MBA student, or a subsequent professional can have a debilitating effect on one’s ultimate goals and performance. I must be willing to continue to take risks, stretch myself and participate in uncomfortable circumstances in order to continue to learn and grow throughout my life. I know that agency is a divine gift and if I allow fear of failure to debilitate me into not using this gift, then I keep myself from progressing. That helped me to make the decision to continue on this unconventional job search so I can continue to grow now and in the future.

Telling People

I knew it would have to come out sometime or another. So far people have been only on a “need to know” basis. Until recently I felt like that select group of people did not include my Sherpa (the person assigned to mentor my internship search) nor a certain professor. One of the reasons I applied to BYU was so I could specifically work with a professor whom I have long admired for his role in alleviating worldwide poverty. Last summer I attended a symposium to tell him how much I looked forward to working with him. The first week of school he sent my sister an email telling her to have me contact him so that we could get working. Meanwhile I was having regular meetings with my Sherpa and had a list of ten companies I planned to go after for an internship. I was clearly passionate about one and he and I created a game plan to get into that one door. Then came the news that changed my life.

I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. I knew the laws of biology, but I also had a background in statistics and had become adept at playing the odds. Eventually biology prevailed and our family will grow to three during finals week of next year. The news, of course, brought a personal paradigm shift. Suddenly helping the poor in Ghana would have to wait. My dream of working at Southwest didn’t seem as important. This summer will be much different than I had planned, and much different than the majority of the MBA class of 2012. This decision was logical to me when I spoke with my husband at home, but at school it seemed to be more cloudy. I struggled with thoughts like “Maybe I could take a trip in March instead”, “lots of mothers leave their children at six weeks old. I could theoretically complete a traditional internship just like everyone else”, “no one will find out for months. Why should I tell anyone now?” I was stuck in a quandary of not wanting to disappoint my Sherpa and my professor. I started to avoid both of them by not returning emails. I knew this was not the right answer, but it sure was easier! Finally I knew I had to contact both of them. I met with my Sherpa and told him straightforwardly that I was no longer interested in pursuing a traditional internship. He told me that he completely understood my change in situation and that maybe we should focus on the theory and skills of how to secure employment rather than the practical application at this time. Together, we crafted a plan that would allow him to utilize his talents to teach me the “how’s” of the process. I now feel like I am in a comfortable position with him where I no longer feel pressure to do something that will go against my current top priority and I also feel like I am not wasting this valuable opportunity to learn from such a highly accomplished person. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I was able to show leadership skills by exhibiting human frailty and my unwillingness to attempt to “do it all”. My professor and I are still working on a time we can meet which will work for both of us, but at least I am no longer afraid to tell him of my new convictions.

Resistance

I have been thinking about the goals I made right when I was planning my MBA experience before I moved here to Utah. Those goals were relatively simple, and included “work out daily from 11-12 PM”. I arrived two days before orientation and have yet to work out once. I have thought about this failure from time to time as I’ve rushed from one class to a study group meeting and from there to an information session but have consistently combatted the failure with the self-talk that amounts to personal resistance. My strongest argument is “I will let my group down if I exercise between the hours of 8 AM and 5 PM and after 5 PM I am just too tired.”

This is personal resistance but it is based on perceived relational resistance. I actually sat up one night and planned how I would approach the subject of exercising during the 11:00 hour to my group, but the next day I was so overcome with worry regarding their reaction that I never even brought it up. I am severely committed to my group which makes it so any personal goals fall to the side. Every time I reconsidered broaching the subject, personal resistance manifested itself by reminding me of all the things I need to accomplish before I leave for a conference this week. I just do not have the time to drop everything and work out for an hour each day. The task seemed hopeless.

Then I remembered that maybe the framing of the task was the problem! By simply changing my underlying assumption, I might have a chance at success. If my ultimate goal is to infuse my life with energy building rituals, there are a myriad of ways I can accomplish this- I am not solely limited to the traditional working out routine. This week I made it a goal to bring exercise into my already packed schedule by simply doing two things: 1) refusing to use the elevator and 2) quit asking my husband for a ride home from school. As I pursued these two goals this week I found myself trudging up seven flights of stairs on a few occasions as well as trudging up the hill toward home, sometimes at 10:00 PM after long, tiring days. Each time I made it to the top, though, I felt a sense of accomplishment and energy go through me and I knew that I was making a difference for my body.

Tools

I grew up with four sisters and no brothers and I have no memory of us ever owning a hammer. When my sisters or I wanted to put a nail in the wall we would just use our high heeled shoes. I have noticed that the results vary with this method. It worked most of the time growing up with a few broken shoes, but every so often it would have disastrous results because I wasn’t using tools properly. I've been thinking recently about how television, the Internet, and text messaging are all just communication tools.

Well what is a tool? It’s a means to an end. When we use the correct tool to achieve the desired goal we have a better chance at success. When I got married and discovered a toolbox for the first time it literally changed my life. As Scottie introduced me to things such as hammers, epoxy, soddering irons, outlet covers, dollies, and engine hoists I realized that there was a whole world out there of tools designed solely for the purpose of simplifying our lives! The trick is to use the correct tool for the correct job.

Tools are used for jobs. Jobs help us achieve goals. Goals come from our values. One of my strongest values is my family, so Scottie and I decided to sit down and construct goals that help us grow closer to each other and to the Lord as a family. Some that Scottie and I are working on this year is having two spiritual Family Home Evenings per month, and go on 18 solo dates this year. Media has been helpful in achieving both of these goals. Some of our FHEs this year have consisted of watching a Conference Talk on LDS.org and then discussing applications for our family. We often use our mobile phones to find out about free activities going on so that we can attend them for a date activity.

Back to shoe stories- (I’m sure I’m the only one who ever misused shoes before!) A few years ago I was trying to shovel my driveway right after work. It was getting cold too fast though and soon it was a sheet of ice. I started kicking the ice with the heal of my boot to break it up so I could continue clearing it. Well, after so long of this I ended up breaking the integrity of the boot but since they were my favorite pair I continued to wear them until I twisted my ankle one day. Just like my boot, when we misuse media tools the result is often we get hurt. A few months ago Scottie and I went to the movies with a bunch of our single friends. As I watched I became more and more angry at the movie. It seemed to me that it was bundling up every lie that Satan wanted me to believe about dating and packaging it into one neat movie. I was so upset and afterward I wondered “Why didn’t I just walk out?” “Why did I even allow myself to continue to hear the messages that I knew were not true?” The question still haunts me. If I had chosen to walk out, I would have been simply refusing to let this tool

of communication manipulate me. I am here to use the tools. The tools are not here to use me.

Conversely, I know a girl back in my home town in Virginia who was involved in everything. She ran weekly ultimate Frisbee games as well as came to many activities, parties, etc. It was already common knowledge that she refused to watch PG13 movies. She just reasoned that the rating system was slipping and she didn’t need to slip with it. I thought a lot about her. Soon I also noticed something else. She also rarely had time to watch anything because she was so busy. The more I became involved with activities the busier I got as well. It was so enjoyable to be filling our days excersizing or socializing or serving rather than just wasting precious time watching something that is literally an inferior tool of entertainment. Eventually my roommates and I found no need for a television and we got rid of it completely.

My point isn't to say "let's shut out the media", but instead consider how I can best utilize it. One way is to raise my voice with concerned citizens. A few years ago I was hired on as an intern for a think tank in Washington DC. I was surprised to find so many wonderful citizens around the world and across faiths who are as concerned as we are about the disintegration of the family. Most of these organizations are grassroots and rely solely upon donations. Do we know who they are? Are we moving across religious ties to help further the cause of truth anywhere we can find it?

My final thought is on silence. Silence can be a very powerful tool. It can allow us time for mediation and for receiving answers to our prayers. As I begin to navigate the newer media outlets of blogging and Twitter, I am reminding myself to take time every day to welcome the peace that comes with silence as well.